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 ARRIAGE
ALWAYS INVOLVES two imperfect people. In our world
today marriage doesn't have a very good chance of survival -
more than 50% of marriages in North America end in divorce.
However, marriage in Christ has a 100% chance of success.
Jesus heals rifts, and transforms us to be truly one in
him.
 Reconciliation
in a Christian marriage always involves three people: I like
to visualize a cross right between a husband and wife. The
cross symbolizes the person Jesus, who makes all
reconciliation possible. Pope John Paul II said, "In Christ
the mutual opposition between man and woman -- which is the
inheritance of original sin -- is essentially
overcome."[1] It is the Lord who
removes the primary effects of original sin. The unity of
husband and wife corresponds to the dignity of the image and
likeness of God in both of them. The real threats to this
unity are often a consequence of original sin.
This
threat is very serious for women today. God said to Eve,
Your desire shall be for your husband
and he shall rule over you.[2]
When a woman is unfairly dominated by a man, we often see
the effects of original sin, not God's order for marriage.
One startling example is abortion. Mother Theresa says
abortion kills two people -- the unborn baby and the
conscience of the mother. While such a violation is fatal to
the woman it also destroys the true dignity of the man,
since both man and woman were created in the image and
likeness of God.
"For
whenever man is responsible for offending a woman's personal
dignity and vocation, he acts contrary to his own personal
dignity and his own vocation."[3]
Thanks
be to God for Jesus Christ who through his death on the
cross gives us a way out of misery. We can enter into the
way of reconciliation through the cross so that our
relationship can be restored and redeemed.
Getting it all together
Paul
wrote to the Ephesians, give way to
one another in obedience to Christ.[4]
When my husband and I are disagreeing, I look to Jesus for
the strength and patience to work things out. If I keep this
focus, I am always able to hold my peace. I know that Jesus
will lead us to a place of unity. Concentrating on obedience
to Christ through these times produces the fruits of the
Holy Spirit such as patience, long-suffering, self control
and even joy!
Mark
suggested that Gary and I not make a decision about an
important issue until both of us are in agreement. We found
this really helps us to struggle honestly until we reach a
place of oneness. It definitely takes loving effort from
both marriage partners. However, the result is so good that
it makes all the work worthwhile. And just what is the
result? We achieve a very strong marriage in Christ that
gives us security and peace which reaches out to our
children, family and friends. Our marriage becomes a source
of hope and light to others who can see a husband living
like Christ and a wife living like the virgin bride, the
Church. St. Paul seems almost in a vision as he describes
marriage as a mystery representing Christ and the
Church.[5]
In
the same passage, St. Paul describes an attitude for women
of surrender which may look like blind faith at times.
Wives
should regard their husbands as they regard the Lord, since
as Christ is head of the Church and saves the whole body, so
is the husband the head of his wife; and as the Church
submits to Christ, so should wives to their husbands, in
everything. Husband should love their wives just as Christ
loved the Church and sacrificed himself for her, to make her
holy.[6]
St.
Peter uses Sarah, the wife of Abraham as the model for
women.[7] When we consider how
Sarah gave way to Abraham to the point of sleeping with
another man we may be shocked![8]
Yet Sarah showed up Abraham through her obedience when the
king she slept with reprimanded Abraham for not telling him
that Sarah was his wife. The king sent Abraham and his
people away since he believed himself to be under a curse
for his actions.
In
the same way, wives should be obedient to their husbands who
have not obeyed the word; they may find themselves won over,
without a word spoken, by the way their wives behave, when
they see how faithful and conscientious they
are.[9]
Times
have changed. Such drastic obedience is not required now of
Christian wives. After all, in Abraham's era polygamy was
accepted, whereas the Church does not accept polygamy since
it is contrary to conjugal love which is undivided and
exclusive.
But
Sarah's surrender to God, and her trust that God would work
all things to good for those that love him, is fitting.
Sarah's willingness to do what God wanted of her regarding
Abraham, reveals an obedience to God's will that requires
tremendous trust without control of the results. She could
only accomplish this by throwing herself into the arms of
God to protect and help her. Sarah did what she knew she had
to do, probably without pleasure in the process. That is
where, as women, we encounter the cross that reconciles us
to our husbands. This attitude of giving way to our husbands
as unto the Lord is death to ourselves.
My
concept of this attitude has changed over the years in our
marriage. At one point I thought that submission was jumping
10 feet when Gary said, "Jump 10 feet!" even though I was
only able to jump 5 feet. But as our marriage has matured I
can honestly share my heart with my husband and surrender
being right to Christ's will at the centre of our married
lives. This is made easy for me when Gary is loving me as
Christ loved the Church. His laying down his life for me
opens his heart and mind to listen to me so that together in
Christ we can make decisions that give harmony to our
marriage.
The
loving union of husband and wife is especially beneficial in
raising children. Often children play one parent against the
other and miss out on a peaceful atmosphere just to get
their own way. When parents are united in their approach to
their children, there is less chance of this happening.
Prayer and mercy
Two
other things can help to make a married couple one in the
Lord. One is praying together and the other is forgiveness.
Usually the tough times have motivated Gary and I to pray
together which has helped us to develop a regular prayer
time. For example, when a child is terribly sick or when we
feel inadequate as parents we realize our tremendous need
for God and one another. Our source of hope and consolation
is turning to the Lord knowing that our loving Father will
hear our cry. Somehow he will show us the way. The answer
may not be exactly what we expected but we can be sure it
will be the Lord's will, which is the best answer for us.
For instance, when our beautiful but very sick baby Anita
died at 4 months, we were saddened. But we were also
relieved that her suffering had finally ended. Her purity
and innocence gained her entrance into heaven where she now
prays for us. What a blessing to have a member of our own
family interceding for us!
If
everything and everyone fails, the antidote which restores
peace is forgiveness. We would sometimes rather blame each
other for suffering instead of accepting Jesus' way of mercy
and compassion. Never pay back one
wrong with another, or an angry word with another one;
instead pay back with a blessing. That is what you are
called to do, that you inherit a blessing
yourself.[10] I cannot
force anyone to forgive and bless me but, by the grace of
God, I do have the ability and power to forgive and bless
others. Treating my spouse with mercy as I certainly want
him to do for me, sets me up to rejoice always, pray
constantly and give thanks in all circumstances knowing that
this is Christ Jesus' will for me. This is true obedience in
the Lord, oneness of heart in Jesus.
Reconciliation
through the cross in marriage is a magnificent mystery.
Jesus restores the man's and woman's relationship to its
original bliss, before the first sin. Mutual love and
equality are regained. Admiration and intimacy is
experienced towards each other. And Jesus at the centre of
the sacramental marriage constantly reminds us of his
presence. He empowers us to love one another as he has loved
us, making the marriage a sign glorifying himself and his
Father.
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